You don't spit into the wind. You don't take the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don't make a Superman movie that sucks, because that's actually worse than tugging on his cape.

Okay, Man of Steel, first thing's first: why didn't Superman's parents try to go with him? As far as I could tell, they never even considered that option. I mean, I get it—Kal El's parents had to die on Krypton. Le Sigh. But why? Superman even asks his father's ghost (Christ, don't get me started) why his parents sent him off alone, and the response is pretty much, "We didn't want to, but we had to. Because." I'm sorry, but you can't just because over the conflict between what the plot requires and not what the characters should be doing. If these are difficult notions to work into your script, write a better script. Here, I'll do it for you: Superman's parents were going to go with him, but they got murdered by General Zod (or whatever), and Jor-El's dying action was to push the button and launch Superman into orbit. That was not hard. And you're getting paid for this, while I'm just staying up past my bedtime to rant about your movie online.

Also, these people have spaceships, and you're telling me that they decided not to evacuate literally anybody from the planet they knew was going to implode in the next few days...because? Because. And why would they punish General Zod by sending him to the phantom zone, where he would survive the planet's destruction, instead of just locking him up and letting him face the music with everybody else? And, just so you know, the planet did not implode like everyone said it was doing—it exploded rather spectacularly, and way too quickly to try to apply the science of supernovas to something that's not a star.

And Jor-el's ghost? What is this I don't even. First of all, Russell Crowe. Ew. Second of all, what the fuck? And, third, how the fuck? And why only one ghost? Jor-El even says that Superman's mom would have wanted to be here... so why isn't she? Oh, right. Because. Also, he's a hacker. He's a hacker ghost. A hacker ghost who hacks things with no resources other than his mind and the occasional hand gesture. Seriously, guys, what the fuck?

Next, we need to talk about explosions, because at least half of the running time for your movie was comprised entirely of things exploding. It's a minor peeve when things blow up that theoretically could but don't usually, like cars and helicopters and airplanes. I can even go with you for the size of the explosion because making it bigger looks cooler. But some things simply won't explode unless there's a bomb inside, like a freight car on a stationery train, unless Superman has been endowed with the previously unknown power of blowing shit up with his mind.

Oh, no, I'm not done with explosions. You know those satellites we have zipping around up there? They are specifically designed not to destroy a major metropolitan area when they wear out and fall into the Earth's atmosphere. And your movie does this twice! Also, if something that big did impact the Earth at anything near its terminal velocity, you'd be looking at a crater the size of Texas. Whoops. Superman fucked up.

Look, I realize that you're not a scientist and your movie is not intended to have any basis in reality. That is no excuse for fucking around with black holes. Even people who only have a vague notion of what a black hole is understand this. One of these things the size of a pinhead (you pinheads) would engulf much more than the entire planet. Why would you plan that? Who does this shit on purpose? And singularities are not formed because two engines collide, even if they're spaceshit engines. (That was a typo, but I decided I'm going to keep it.)

Okay, and, also? If we manage to suspend our disbelief for long enough to watch this movie, why the fuck is Superman taking the fight to new, undestroyed things that will almost certainly explode? That gas station? Yeah, a bunch of people died. The people in those buildings? Fuck 'em. The trillions of dollars FEMA's going to pour into helping Metropolis recover from the Superman apocalypse? Eh, we'll just borrow from China. After all, Superman is from Kansas, and borrowing money you can't pay back to fund things you don't need is as American as apple pie.

On a related note, like every movie ever, people run like jackasses, if jackasses didn't have the natural instinct to not die. If you are in the path of a very tall vertical object, you do not run straight away from it instead of veering off to the side and out of the landing zone. You do not survive doing that, even if you are Laurence Fishburne. And once that shit started to fall, it doesn't miraculously stop because Superman showed up on screen... unless Superman also has the surprise power of stopping shit from falling with his mind.

Speaking of Laurence Fishburne, this movie featured the best (or worst) Laurence Fishburne facial expression of all time. You know how he's usually calm and collected, or really pissed off, or dying heroically, or too cool to respond to stimuli that would have the rest of us crapping our pants? Well, the facade drops in this movie for a ten-second close-up of the doofiest possible look on his face. To get an idea for reference, look at Shaun's best friend in Shaun of the Dead, after he became a zombie. (Spoilers.)

There were also two actors from Dollhouse, which seems improbable when neither of them is Eliza Dushku. Paul Ballard shows up for maybe thirty seconds, and Boyd Langton has a major (but stupid) role. Did these guys take each other out to drink and cry about Dollhouse getting canceled? Did they reminisce about the good old days when they starred in a TV series? Did they high-five each other? The world may never know.

And Detective Stabler! He embodies the exact opposite of everything I believe about law enforcement and justice, and I still like him. His character in your movie is a mockery of all that is decent and holy (Law & Order)... but I guess it is kinda hilarious. This is the guy who tries to kill the aliens with a machine gun and then pulls out his pistol when that doesn't work. And then he grabs his knife. I couldn't make this stuff up. He does this more than once.

On the plus side, there were several really funny moments in your movie, and humor is important to break up the tension. Unfortunately, only one of these moments was intentional. No, seriously, there was exactly one line in the script that was intended to be a joke. The rest of the movie was unintentionally a joke. No, really, I laughed at inappropriate times in your movie's story. For instance, ping-pong-ball Superman? LOL. Spelunker Lois? ROFL. Twin jet streams coming from Superman's feet? Okay, I didn't really laugh at that one because I just couldn't be arsed, but I would have laughed if the movie hadn't been so fucking depressing.

Many other things that are wrong with your movie are very spoiler-heavy, so I won't get into them in detail. This list will have to suffice: Jonathon Kent; IHOP; tornadoes; Zod; Zod's retinue; Superman's cells; thousands of people dead as a direct result of Superman's personal moral code which he finally breaks because even Henry Cavill got tired of this movie.

And that's just what I can think of off the top of my head when I want to go to bed but know I still have to play Animal Crossing or my flowers will die. You, on the other hand, had a multi-million dollar budget to make a movie based on a story that people made up for you decades ago. Heck, you had comics and four other movies and Smallville to copy. All you had to do was copy them. But you fucked up and only copied the stupid parts.

To be fair, my brother liked it. Also, this is by far the best Superman movie, by far the best Superman costume, by far the best Lois Lane, and probably the hottest Superman (maybe tied with Dean Cain). But this movie is so goddamn long that you're bound to get a few things right purely by accident. Given the overall terribleness of the movie, I see no reason not to chalk at least three of the four up to random chance. (Everyone can see that Henry Cavill is hot, so that might have been intentional.)

I actually feel terrible right now because I can't manage not to give a fuck at how the last three hours of my life are gone forever. Ironically, you have the opposite problem, because, clearly, no fucks were given. Not even one fuck. From that perspective, I guess you win. Troll.